Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Donald Trump Awarded "Asshole of the Year" by Time Magazine

In a shocker, Time Magazine gave Donald Trump the honor of "Asshole of the Year" yesterday in a black-tie ceremony at the now defunct Trump Taj Mahal.

Americans throughout the country took to the streets to protest what they believed was a rigged contest, designed only to help his presidential campaign.

"Sure every now and then The Donald says something that taken out of context could be considered offensive." A Bronx resident said protesting Trump's win. "But when you look at the field of competitors out there today, he shouldn't have even made the Top 10."

Protesters voiced their support for Bernie Sanders. "Time screwed over Bernie." A local Vermont resident said, wishing to remain anonymous, citing security concerns about the Trump Gestapo.

"Every day Bernie is trying to incite a revolution right here in America. This guy isn't just a communist bastard, but also a quasi-anarchist that commits treason every time he opens his mouth. Now that's an asshole that should have taken home this high honor."

In his acceptance speech, Trump thanked Time Magazine with the gravitas of a future Commander in Chief. "Time Magazine, I've heard your magazine sucks and I'm sure it does. I don't read it anyway. But this time you got something right. I will cherish this award for the rest of the night. This is just another example of why I'm better than Hillary. I'm a winner."

In a press conference held after the award ceremony Trump took on a barrage of tough questions. Wolf Blitzer of CNN asked Mr. Trump if he should credit anyone for helping him with this achievement. Mr. Trump responded, "First off Wolf, you have a stupid first name, it's obvious you're not a wolf, you look more like Papa Smurf. Secondly, CNN stands for the Clinton News Network. So the answer to you question is...my brain. Next question, preferably from someone who isn't a complete loser."

Jorge Ramos then stood up and began to ask The Donald if his crude treatment of Mexicans was the show stopper that sealed his Time Magazine honor. Trump merely responded by saying, "George kiss my ass!"

Ramos then rushed the stage to try and physically steal the gold plated trophy in the shape of a large human rump. Ramos could be heard yelling, "This trophy belongs to all the people of America that are assholes, even the undocumented ones, you asshole." Trump replied simply, "Thank you for the compliment Jorge. Now get 'em out!"

Time Magazine stated that runners up included The Pope, Jonah Hill, the Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, Pokemon, and the entire staff of Doctor's Without Borders.

-B, for the Associated Press, New York City.

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