Saturday, January 9, 2016

Star Wars VII The Force Awakens is So Bad, Maybe the Worst Ever


So this blog is not what most of you want to hear, and you'll be especially skeptical of my review coming from a known Star Wars troll and Star Trek mega fan, but if you listen objectively you must admit this movie was nothing less than the most disappointing sci-fi movie in recent memory.

First let me address those who won't listen to an avid trekkie. I am the first to criticize a bad Star Trek film. In my opinion, Star Trek has had more poor films than good ones. Including, the last 4 movies. Yes, I just said everything from Insurrection to Into Darkness sucked. So you can't say I am blind trekkie who rubber stamps all works Star Trek. The reboot sucked as soon as JJ decided to blow up planet Vulcan for no particular reason, completely destroying the Star Trek timeline which was a near constant through the 50 years of Trek.

Now on to JJ Abrams' absolute horror show that is Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

I rather despise JJ Abrams as a director, and have since 2009 when he started his destruction of the Star Trek universe. So going into this movie I came in with very low expectations hoping to have the movie leaving me pleasantly surprised.

I have not been so wrong in a long time.

First, the script of flying words in space, right after the opening Star Wars credit, sets a story that doesn't make much sense or is that convincing. The universe doesn't feel like it is in that much peril either. If Luke can be found, all will be saved from the new evil empire, The First Order. Luke has apparently gone mental from losing all the Jedi during his watch. How is he now suddenly going to save the rebels? He exiled himself and doesn't even want to be found!

On to BB-8, or let's just refer to him as Jr., as in R2-D2 Jr. I actually like Jr. as a droid design, except for the fact that there is absolutely no difference in anything Jr. does differently than R2-D2. Jr. speaks beep beep, has a projector screen and a personality that is indistinguishable from R2-D2.

Now what? BB-8 has a secret message that must get to the resistance or the universe can not be saved by Skywalker. Hmm. Haven't seen R2-D2 with a similar mission, "Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope." Are you f-ing kidding me?

Where to go next: John Boyega, Finn, or "Big Deal," who is really the lead character of the movie. Ok, I get that someone wouldn't want to murder innocent people when Big Deal is forced into a firing squad of stormtroopers. But if I'm supposed to be scared of Kylo Ren, the "Vader" character of this movie, I would have killed the innocents anyway and so would have Finn. It takes more courage to disobey a leader, which Big Deal doesn't have. The movie would have even had a glimpse of depth with blood on the main characters' hands. Wrong move.

Big Deal, is a weak stormtrooper. He doesn't show great moral outrage at the sight of summary executions. He just takes off his helmet looking sick to his stomach like a greenie on a battlefield.

Next, he becomes a traitor! This is priceless. Was JJ admitting that he himself committed treason by directing Star Trek than Star Wars back to back? Is he trying to atone for this sacrilege? No, he is just a terrible director.

Poe Dameron actually has a good, strong presence onscreen. However, when he goes down in his fighter into a sinkhole in the sand, there was a real chance to feel emotion at the loss of a good character. Big Deal, who crashed landed with Poe, doesn't bother looking for Poe more than 5 seconds. We know Poe is somehow not dead. And of course he isn't. JJ gives us a ridiculous explanation of his survival at Poe's return toward the end of the film.

Back to Big Deal. When Big Deal meets, Rey, the strongest character in the movie and the only one that seems to take the movie seriously, he is obviously taken with her. She's young, cool, and most importantly a woman, something very rare in the Star Wars universe.

Big Deal even proposes escaping with Rey, fleeing the Star Wars universe. But when Rey asks him to stay on fighting for a righteous cause against The First Order, he wimps out like a little bitch and runs away.

So much for his moral outrage against The First Order. Big Deals' terrible performance loaded with bad jokes that don't work at all, are really not his fault, as JJ gave him caca to work with. Even so, Big Deal looks so uncomfortable on screen, it is gut-wrenching.

Captain Han Solo, or can we just call him Grandpa Solo now? Harrison Ford is 73, 1 year younger than Bernie Sanders.

Han is still smuggling in the same neighborhood as all the other creatures he has swindled throughout the ages and tries to joke his way out of ever situation. Somehow, grandpa, escapes his loansharks and finds himself fighting for the resistance once again.

Grandpa Solo has more terrible one-liners than the worst James Bond film. All Chewbacca does is nod his head in approval of grandpa's bad jokes.

Parsecs. One of the most ridiculed goofs of Episode IV was George Lucas' misuse of the word parsec to describe the speed of the Millennium Falcon. Let's examine this thoroughly. A parsec is a measure of distance, specifically the distance between the sun and an object with the parallax angle of one arc-second.

In episode IV, Solo bragged that his ship could make the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs. Now this is like saying my ship is so fast it travels a race track in 5 miles flat. It makes no sense. Lucas should have used a measurement of time such as days, hours, or even a made up unit of time.

Now if you go online the Star Wars universe has tried to create an Ebola goopy schmear of dirrehaa to explain the episode IV claim by Solo so it would make sense.

We all know it was a goof. The explaination is that traveling the Kessel Run was a feat of traveling the run in the least distance out of hyperspace. Great answer, except why the hell would Obi-Wan or Luke care about a feat of short distance maneuvers if they were looking for a fast ship in episode IV? I believe their expedition was supposed to be expedious, not a ridiculous irrelevant distance course. Total bullshit, and unforgivable that they would even bring this up in the movie especially without including the doodoo explanation in the movie!

I wanted to puke, this pulled me out of the movie and straight to thinking about the entire controversy.

Carrie Fisher. I wish I didn't have to troll her. And, I won't criticize her looks, as so many have in a sad and real trolling show. But once again, JJ screwed an actor by putting Fisher in the movie just to put her in the movie. Then again, I'm pretty sure Carrie needed some work; at least the casting choice worked out for somebody.

Leis adds nothing to the plot. But Leia does have perhaps the only real display of a quasi-believable emotional moment with Grandpa Solo.

Wow. I need to take a break. My blood is boiling and I still have pages to go.

I'm back, this blog feels like a chore, but someone has to do it.

Kylo-Ren, the generic cape wearing bad guy, should be called "Heartthrob" because he looks like he should be in a boy-band. Luckily he wears his useless mask most of the movie relieving the audience from seeing his face.

What's better is that Heartthrobs' heart is torn between good and bad, but that doesn't stop him from a cold and sucker death he gives to his father, Grandpa Solo. It is actually the best part of the movie just because something new occurred in a main character being killed off and by this point I wanted Grandpa Solo dead just for his terrible jokes.

I won't even bother with Supreme Leader Snoke other than saying an alien creature ruling over humanoid lifeforms from a 3D projector makes me wish Emeporor Palpatine would wake from the grave.

The lightsaber battle between Heartthrob and Big Deal deserves some mention. If you have a lightsaber apparently you become a master saber fighter instantaneously, as Finn takes on Kylo Ren when Finn should have been slain as an afterthought.

Let's not forget to throw in a bar scene with aliens of all sorts listening to uninspired space jazz. Not the cool tune from episode IV, but something that tries to be cool, and sucks. At this point JJ should have reused the music from episode IV, JJ reused everything else.

Onto the new "mega" death star. Ok, death star 1 didn't work out so well. Death star 2 didn't work out so well, but a mega death star that makes the old death stars look like Jupiter moons must be the ticket.

At first, the death star seems to be able to easily destroy multiple planets at the same time with a linear energy beam that turns into plant seeking missiles. Does JJ have to blow up every planet in the universe before he retires?

Later in the movie, the weapon seems to need the energy from a star to destroy planets. Did the death star use a different weapon? I either blacked out or the death stars' weapon to destroy planets was different in the beginning and end of the movie, with the latter weapon being harder to use. It's just weird.

Also the death star is seemingly part of a planet as there are trees and snow and apparently an atmosphere around part of the death star, just not the part in space where the x-wings and tie-fighters have their uninspired dogfight that gives you vertigo. Again is it a death star or a building around a planet like a Dyson planet?

I must mention the ingenious plan to destroy the mega death star by the resistance. Basically it went down like this...

"We have to destroy the death star or we all die!"

"Let's blow it up!"

"How do we blow it up?"

"See script from episode IV."

I'm pretty sure I got that verbatim.

At the end of the movie I left with a dropped jaw, not like I had from Mad Max: Fury Road, perhaps the most inspired movie of the year. No, my jaw was dropped by the pure mierda that any franchise can throw out while pandering to the intellect of a toddler while making more money than ever before in movie history all at the same time with rave reviews from critics and blind fans alike. Only a true run-on sentence can describe this movie. It's rated 8.5 on imdb and rated 61st best movie ever. It should be a 4-5.5 max. This is nothing less than movie rating fraud worse than the subprime lending fiasco.

I'm tired and I didn't even cover everything. I'm sure this blog has a bunch of typos as all my strength has been drained writing this, forget a full proofing.

I never thought I would ever have the thought of bringing back George Lucas for another Star Wars movie, but Star Wars fans, that may be your only hope.

-B.

5200 E Ramon Rd
Palm Springs, CA 92264

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