Saturday, December 26, 2015

Santa Claus Shot Down in Turkish Airspace!

Istanbul, December 25, 2015
Early on Christmas morning at 4:07 a.m. local time, Santa Claus and his raindeer burst into flames over Western Turkey in an explosion that could be seen as far away as Russia. First responders indicated no sign of possible survivors.

Turkish ministers stated in an emergency press conference that a surface to air missile hit Santa's sleigh in mid-flight over Istanbul.

Earlier in the week, Turkey publicly stated that any flying craft [in Turkish airspace] without proper authorization would be shot down immediately.

At the time, it was thought that Santa had proper security clearance to enter Turkish airspace. "He had been doing this for hundreds of years! Now they decided [Turkey] to take a stand?" Keebler, spokes-elf for the North Pole, emotionally stated via Skype.

President Erdogan of Turkey took to the airways to dedemonize the Turkish response, "We gave Mr. Claus a full 14 seconds to leave. He failed to respond when we contacted him via radio, leaving us little choice but to blast the fat man and his raindeer out of the sky. We will not allow violations of our sovereign airspace to anyone. Period!"

Apparently, one of Santa's little helpers failed to submit the proper paper work on time to be granted clearance into Turkish airspace for Christmas gift giving purposes.

Christians around the world faulted Santa for not taking the Turkish threat seriously.

"They [Turkey] just blew a fucking Russian fighter jet out of the sky, why would Santa be flying over Turkish airspace? Was the old man drunk on milk?" Said Istanbul local, Galilee M.

"This just shows the evil underbelly of the gift giving world." Said Donald Trump, Republican presidential frontrunner. "Santa and his raindeer have been traveling around the world without passports or proper visas for years. He should have seen this coming." Trump shouted from the top of Trump Tower in NYC. "Frankly, I agree with the Turks. Until we can vet all reindeer properly, I, Donald J. Trump, call for an immediate closure of American airspace to raindeer everwhere," Adding that a no-fly zone would be "rigorously enforced."

Secretary Clinton immediately called Mr. Trump "A bigot that would have all raindeer in America rounded up, put on boxcars and interned in Alaska." Trump has demanded an apology while threating a defamition suit against the former Secretary of State despite Clinton citing Trumps' website platform verbatim.

President Obama stated that he disagreed with Turkey's handling of the situation. "This isn't the best day of my presidency, but it's not the worst. It's more like in between Bengazi and New Town."

Vladimir Putin strongly condemned Turkey's actions, going so far as to calling the attack "[An] act of war against all humanity." Mr. Putin added Turkey will see a strong response from the Kremlin in the form of increased bombings against Syrian rebels.

Children the world over are asking if Santa's death was real or fake. Apparently parents have been less than forthcoming with the truth regarding Santa's disposition. "I told my kids Santa is alive and well," said a local Las Vegas father of 5, requesting to remain anonymous. "Kids believe anything, and lying about Santa being killed just saved my Christmas from being ruined. I hope they never find out."

The Claus' family lawyer asked all non-atheists for prayers and privacy for the distraught Mrs. Claus and North Pole elves during this tragic time.

Pope Francis will be holding a requiem mass for the deceased at the Vatican on Sunday.

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