Monday, December 19, 2011

2011: The Year of Sex Scandals

It's not much fun being a buzz-killer, but let's face it, 2011 has sucked big Mexican donkey balls.

When you think about the best thing that happened on the global level, the assassination of Osama Bin Laden is probably the best news. That's right, we're now judging how good a year it has been by the level of bad guy we croaked.

However, we sure had plenty of bad news. There was enough of it to save newspapers, except the newspaper involved in a scandal itself, News Corps' News of the World, or as I prefer to think of it, phone hacking paparazzis on steroids. 

We had the usual garden variety fraud, theft, and celebrity email account hacking, I finally saw Scarlett Johansson's ta-ta's! Despite all the horrific and sometimes amusing stories of 2011, I doubt many can argue that this was the year of the sex scandal.

Please note these scandals are in no particular order of most insidious, except for the first.

1. The most mouth dropping scandal this year was Penn State. Jerry Sandusky has not only permanently tarnished the image of one of America's most honored institutions, but he had given the name Sandusky a new meaning. It is now a verb I use to replace being ass-raped. For instance: Conrad Murray got Sanduskied by the judge that gave him 4 years in jail for kinda, but not even really killing a sex-offender, just because it was Michael Jackson.

My cousins and uncles have already started using Sandusky in every day speech, and I wonder if Merriam-Webster will pick it up in next year's dictionary. 

Whatever happened at Syracuse doesn't even seem like it's worth putting in The National Enquirer compared to the enormity of Penn State's scandal. That's just sad.

2. A big fat Weiner. Congressman Anthony Weiner actually resigned his congressional seat for sending, well at least a few (hundred?) infamous photos of his kosher kielbasa to all the women he was in a "platonic" relationship with, except his pregnant wife. He didn't even break any laws, except possibly lying to the FBI about someone hacking into his Twitter account. One less dick on Capital Hill.

3. The one scandal I felt needed mentioning despite no known sex was: Fast and Furious, the ATF & Justice Department's made for TV movie. As if the government couldn't come up with a better name for a rogue operation than the title of a crappy Vin Diesel and Paul Walker flick, they at least created a great story-line and a well acted screenplay. Selling deadly guns to Mexican gangsters to? Umm? There must have been some reason right? 

They claim they wanted to track the guns from lower level thugs to the big boys, but did the weapons have GPS installed on them? I'm not sure how filed off serial numbers on assault weapons in the hands of mercenaries gets you anything but dead people. And, that's what we got. 

The best part of this story may be the cover-up that is unfolding, as it seems everyone including Attorney General Mustache Holder knew about it, and then did the honorable thing, lied about it to Congress.

4. Hermain Cain. I really don't need to say anything more do I?

5. Though the story is still developing, you know Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa's announced divorce was not just because of "irreconcilable differences." Of course unless, you think these differences might have been in the different women Kobe was slam dunking off the court, or the men Vanessa was laying up, or both?

6. Ashton Kutcher. I was a small fan of his in the years of That 70's Show and Dude, Where's My Car? But if it wasn't enough of a joke to marry a woman old enough to be his mother, it was a cruel joke to cheat on her, repeatedly, with really, really hot younger girls. What a D-bag.

7. Dominique Strauss-Kahn was let go on charges of attempted rape earlier this year in a story that mostly interested big money. He was the former head of the IMF, so that's understandable. From all accounts around the world, the former boss, was a French Hermain Cain, but perhaps a little more aggressive in trying to close a deal.

8. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. While I don't think there were any extra marital affairs in this gem, they really didn't have time to get to that stage of their relationship did they? And, if Kris really is gay as magazine covers tout, the only scandal is that he was having gay-gay sex.

So there you have it, a year of one great big sex tabloid. At least 2012 promises the end of the world. I'm sure that'll at least make the cover of Time Magazine.

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