Saturday, January 8, 2011

Did You Make any New Year Resolutions?

Come the first of the year people like to try and change "bad habits," all in the spirit of the new year. As we like to call them "New Year Resolutions."

I have made a list of my New Year Resolutions that I think the world would be remiss if I didn't disclose them.

1. Lose 15 lbs. I know, everyone save Samoans want to lose weight. But, in this time of the Obese States of America, staying at a healthy weight will more than make you more attractive and confident about yourself. You will most likely avoid the growing diabetes epidemic, and increase your life span by not having the obesity related heart attack or stroke at age 55.

2. Stop drinking alcohol! It may be hard to believe for those of you that know me well that I have the capacity to abstain from alcohol for an entire year. But, if you know me well, you also know I'm a stubborn little bastard that takes on challenges and sticks to them if only for spite. Hey, the year has only 51 weeks left and I've been sober for all of 2011!

3. Read, read, read! This isn't so much of a New Year's resolution as a continuation of what I started doing in the latter half of 2010. In the last two months of 2010 I read more than I'd probably read in the last two years combined. I'm not talking about news articles in print or on the web (I read those already). I'm talking about books! When was the last time you read a book? A classic? Not a piece of trash like Penthouse Forum, but something like Dickens or Twain or even something newer like Stieg Larsson? Reading a book at least every two weeks will not only make your life more cultured, but once you start reading regularly you'll find it is more enjoyable than watching TV. You'll soon be itching to pick up books like a bum itches to get a fix.

4. Remember the Trojans! Yes, condoms are a tricky subject. The first time I sleep with someone new I always wrap it up because I don't "know" them. However, when the next time comes to jump in the sack, I think to myself, I know her, I just fucked her! So it's much more difficult to put on our rubbery friend the second time, third, etc...

The truth is that we are the first generation that has really made an effort to embrace safe-sex. And that means safe, every-time. It doesn't help you much to wear a condom once, and then go Au-natural 100 times after. If you don't want to get you or your partner pregnant, use birth control. If you want to avoid STD's and pregnancy, use condoms. I prefer Trojan ultra-slims. It's so thin I really can't tell it's even on.

5. Show the people you love how much you love them at every interaction. Perhaps the most humbling part of 2010 was seeing close people to me, and close people to my friends die at young ages. We never know when it is our last day or someone else that we love last day. You don't want to have to live with an unsettled quarrel with someone you love until your own dying day. Show love all the time and you won't have to worry about that happening.

Maybe you are above the need for New Year's Resolutions, but if you think everything you're doing in your life is perfect, you're either a complete dick, or a relative of Jesus. And I have so far in my life only met complete dicks.

I hope you'll at least be able to think about your habits, good and bad, and try and improve your life, if only for yourself.

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