Thursday, January 27, 2011

5 Signs the Apocalypse is Upon Us (scary scary blog)

We've all heard about the whole Mayan calendar ending in December 2012. At the beginning of this year I was starting to believe that it was all a bunch of rubbish. Well, three weeks into 2011 I've yet again become an apocalypse believer. Which I admit sucks. If we all get smited on December 21st, 2012 I'll have had a short ass life. So, if it becomes clearer closer and closer to that day that the world does seem that it is about to end, I'll have a comic size bottle of Jack Daniels (preferably Gentleman's Jack) and a pistol ready to end it all instead of burning to a crisp through a fiery death from the coming of Satan.

So my friends, here are the signs that really scare the poop out of my rectum:

1. Birds, fish, crabs, and livestock in general are dying in mass number in unexplained ways. Imagine if we suddenly say town where 1,000 people dropped dead without an explanation. That's right it would scare the hell out of us. It's not like this is only happening in an isolated location, it's happening from California, to Louisiana to Arkansas to Maryland, and there are even reports that this is happening in other countries as well. If you know your Old Testament, one of the 10 plagues was the death of all livestock. Yikes!

2. Out of no where the news that Betelgeuse (the top left star in the constellation Orion) is going supernova anytime now and will create the illusion of us having two Suns and eliminate all darkness at night for around two weeks. If you're an Alaskan I suppose you're used to having so darkness all day long, but for the rest of us, this is just plain creepy.

3. American Debt: So the talk on the "hill" lately has been obsessed with the skyrocketing $14,000,000,000,000.00 debt. That's $14 trillion if you don't want to count all the zeros. All the politicians want to do something about it so that the government starts living within it's means. However, this just ain't going to happen. The baby boomers are retiring, Social Security just went into a deficit after 30 years of surpluses and the outlook for the future sees our debt rising higher and higher. Sooner or later we'll run out of paper to print $100 bills on. And before that no one will want to buy anymore American debt. When the faucet of the world finally turns off, we're in for a financial crisis that will make 2008 look like a picnic in the park.

4. Believe it or not the North pole is moving South at a rate of about 40 miles per year. Scientists say that the poles switch magnetism every hundred thousand years or so, and it appears it is starting to happen. If up becomes down, all the satellites, and general information technology services will suffer failures that will cripple our needs to tweet from our mobile phones about the size of our penises (ok, only Brett Farve, may have that problem), but the rest of us will be in the dark ages again, where you need a horse and two weeks to deliver a handwritten letter from Baltimore to Washington.

5. Finally, if you still doubt that the end is near, consider the last fact...we are entering another ice age. Again, every fifty thousand years or so, an ice age naturally occurs, sure global warming is making summer's hot as hell, but should an ice age come upon us, the current hot temperatures will be a thing you talk about years later to the children of the few survivors on this planet. The last ice age killed nearly all humans on the planet. That's why we all have such similar DNA and Dick Cheney is somehow related to Barack Obama. Only a few thousand people survived in Africa. And, that's where we all agree civilization as we know it started.

What should you do? I suggest buying SPF 5 million, 50-100 different firearms ranging from shotguns, sniper rifles to good 'ole Colt 45's (with thousands of bullets for each piece), and stock up on as many cans of Spam as possible. That stuff will be like gold in the future, that is, if you're still alive.

Have a cheery rest of the day!

B.

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