Tuesday, October 19, 2010

My Thai Step-mom is Trying to Kill Me

It's not often I fear for my life. On Sunday, I was laughing on all the crazy roller coasters at Six Flags as others screamed. I laugh on airplanes too when the plane hits a bit of turbulence causing those of a less steelier disposition to scream in terror.

When my car wrecked at 70 mph I literally had no pulses of terror going through my body, only a logical mindset of slowing the car down asap by using the hand break and engine break with my manual transmission.

My step-mom was obviously not satisfied that I had cheated death on my own. In my opinion, she took the task of my death into her own hands. Perhaps she is trying to whack me before I wreak havoc on the world;  in the form of bad humor.

Her method of choice, poison. And not the type that you get at the local watering hole. I have counted, on at least threee separate occasions how she has tried to poison me in different ways.

First, before we get to the gruesome details of her murder attempts, you might be wondering why my own step-mother of about 4 1/2 years now would want to hurt such a fine specimen as yours truly.

Well it all goes back to the January of 2008. I was out of work, my software company FriendTones had just officially failed due to lack of money. So like most people would act after much trauma I was depressed and spent a 2 months at home trying to bootstrap myself back to working life. So I can understand not liking someone that you've seen moping around for a few months.

But murder? Perhaps she in it to take me and my sister out so she can get all my father's life insurance? Is she the Thai Dexter? Well if she is, she doesn't use M99 or knives, she uses food poison.

The first attempt she made on my life was when she served me a ground-beef sandwich raw. I had just driven 90 minutes from Hagerstown to Silver Spring with my girlfriend for dinner and she gives me 2 pieces of sliced grocery store cheapo bread with mortality undercooked red meat. I had one bite and deceided it was better to insult her than ingest any more of what was clearly an e coli plot, completely accidental looking. She's good I thought.

Next when my father came up to visit me in my new house in Cumberland, he brought with him a large Tupperware container full of undercooked pork, and by undercooked I meaning marinating in it's own blood. My step-mom was using my father as the merchant of death delivering the poison unto his own son. At this time I became wise to the idea that she was a psychopath bent on killing me with food poisoning. From now on I would eat no more of her food unless force-fed through a feeding tube Terri Schiavo style.

But like I said she is good. This past Sunday my girlfriend and I went to Six Flags America and had planned to crash at my Dad's house for the night before driving back to Cumberland in the morning. My girlfriend and I were starving after a long day of rides. So she decided to cook some chicken and make some food. What I didn't know at the time is that she mixed some of my step-mom's leftovers into the chicken and rice dish. My girlfriend is a good cook, so after the first bite I knew something was afoot. The food tasted like an entire can of Morton's salt had been dumped into the dish. I gagged and ate no more. Somehow my step-mother had put poison in the right leftover dish that my girlfriend used in her cooking... ingenious!

I had foiled her latest attempt to poison me. I'm sure she'll keep trying, but I'll be on the lookout like the Jews were for the S.S. (too soon?)

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