Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Predictions of All Sorts

I never like to toot my horn about things I've said would happen years before they actually do. Ok, I do toot, but a modest amount at best. So today I'm going to fill you in on some of the predictions that I have for the upcoming world. Unfortunately most of them are glum. But do not despair, there are always drugs and alcohol to conceal your problems and worldly misfortunes.

1. Say goodbye to Congress doing anything for the next 2 years. This November, the "Tea-Party" candidates, that are really just really pissed off white Republicans are going to swoop down and kick a lot of wimpy Dems out of the House and Senate. That means that the 60 votes the Senate needs to do anything, or filibuster indefinitely, will not be seen on in any Senate vote on anything important. Instead, the United States politics will fester with deep-seeded antagonism for the next 2 years until 2012 when the GOP goes for the White House.

2. December, 21, 2012. This one has given me long reflective periods of deep thought. On the one hand it really sucks to think that my generation gets screwed over right when were coming into our prime if the world ends. My other thought is that if the Apocalypse did happen, people would rebuild with a clean slate, innocent, and hopefully aware of why the world disintegrated and how to form a new society where the evils man has perpetrated on it's own self will never be repeated again. Based on the way things are going, and all the historical research I've done on the Mayan calendar and other cultures as well, I'll side with the Apocalypse. Sorry everybody, only 2 and a third years left. Bummer I know.

3. Lindsey Lohan will die 90-180 days after she leaves rehab. Come on, rehab doesn't work if you are committed to it. And based on the photos we've seen of her, she's been rehabilitating herself on bottles of Dom. Brittany Murphy situation most likely.

4. Your cell-phone will be the only thing in your pocket. With the power of smartphone technology, and the rapid deployment of all types of software, your phone will sub in for plastic credit cards, driver's licences, Social Security cards, Birth Certificates, even Passports or National ID cards...oh yes they are coming. Having a phone that can pay for groceries, store coupons, start the car, open your front door, oh yeah and make calls is only but a fraction of time in the future.

5. Iranian based terrorist attack. Those radicals would love to nuke Israel and will be able to very soon since we keep letting them build nukes even though we continue to shake our finger no. Eventually we'll have a reason to invade when an Iranian terror group goes too far. The good news is that Iran is right next to Iraq so the troops can walk across the border.

6. Cheney dies of his 98th heart attack. Regardless of what you think of Dick, there is no denying that despite the best medical care in the world, his ticker just ain't built the way they used to be. I give him 5 years tops.

7. Alice in Wonderland wins Oscars for either Best Picture or Best Supporting Actor for Johnny Depp. Or both?

8. Toy Story 3 wins Best Animated Movie (duh).

9. Marijuana gets legalized in California. It's going to be a close vote show the polls, but in the end, I think the stoners will find the will to set their alarm clock for voting day so they can wake up in time to make it to the polls before they close.

10. Finally, my last prediction is that that the economy is on the verge of absolute collapse and with it all sense of normalized society. We can keep printing money for a while, but soon we'll have $50 Billion bills that buy a 20 oz. Coke. When that happens, adiĆ³s amigos, I'll be in some Caribbean paradise.

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