Thursday, July 22, 2010

I saw "Predators" yesterday and now cease reason to live

So every now and then it's fun to go catch a show at the movie theatres in the middle of the day simply because it's something to do. Not to mention that I have no AC currently in my casa so the air conditioning along is probably worth the price of admission.

I missed the last version of the never-ending Predator & Alien saga,
AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem, which was panned as ridiculous in 2007, but I did see the first installment of
AVP: Alien vs. Predator, in 2004 which was a commercial success with over $171 million in worldwide sales. It was considered a POS movie as well. I saw that one in the theatre as well believe it or not and rather enjoyed it, so screw the critics.

On to the event that has scarred my life forever. Yesterday I paid money to see what on the previews seemed like a pretty cool addition to the franchise. Use Humans as a training ground for young Predators to practice their lethal killing techniques. The love affair never made it into the first five minutes of the movie. With such a unique overall story I wondered how this could have gone so terribly wrong. I narrowed them down to five overall major flaws. Don't worry I'll let you know in highlight for a spoiler alert.

1. Adrien Brody. Probably best known for his Oscar winning role as a Jew trying to survive in Nazi Poland in The Pianist, you know directed on foreign ground by the rapist, Roman Polanski. In Predators, Adrien tries to assume the role of the alpha-dog of the Humans with him. He look like a high-school punk with a big gun. The acting makes you cry, and have fantasies about even Sly Stallone playing the role. Adrien, stick to looking awkward in comedies or bad dramas.

2. The misstep with the plot. You would assume if the place the Humans are being hunted is a training preserve for the Predators, there would be Predators, in large numbers, not like 3 or 4. Instead of showing the intelligence of how the Predators systematically train, they show one big mean Predator acting like he owns the entire place instead of something more like a hunting ground. 

3. Violence? Sure there were some decapitation and punching of torsos and limbs, but a lot lot less that you might expect. The Predators didn't even seem to shoot their little laser thing on their should much, come on! BULL SHI+!

4. Topher Grace. This might be the most tragic part of the entire movie. Every Human on this distant planet preserve is some sort of Green Beret, Black Ops, Killing Mofos. Except little Topher who claims to be a doctor. His girly voice made me want to cut my ear drums out and his acting my eyes. BE WARNED!

5. Ending? Do they get off the planet? Can they actually think they are getting off? The end showed that more and more Humans were always be aubducted, continuing to supply the need of fresh Predator targets, but they actually think they are getting away: it's hilarious!

The only good thing about this one was Laurence Fishburne's cameo of acting as a crazy old prey that had somehow survived and lost his mind in the process. But, he was fat and old looking. I don't see where that added to the plot line at all, so Lawrence I'd be thinking about some NutriSystem.

If you see this one you will have no more reason for life. If you are daring enough to sit through it to see how much you can stand, make sure you have a cell phone and a suicide hotline number with you.

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