Saturday, May 29, 2010

Oil's Well That Ends Well or Not




Well, unless you have been living on another planet with no internet connection, you've been watching with shock and awe over the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Luckily, the containment dome, the top hat, the junk shot, the cement & mud, didn't work. Luckily you ask? Well that's because I have a better solution for BP and it doesn't involve plugging the gusher. BP can't do it, so why keep trying?

My solution, in four easy steps:

Step One: Change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of Oil. Let's be honest, it's really become a big vat of oil. Before the spill, there still was a Dead-Zone (an unlivable place for all aquatic life) the size of Texas. Yeah, so now with the oil spill the Dead-Zone may just as well be the entire Gulf of Oil.

Step Two: Build the largest dam in history from the Florida coast to the Yucatan peninsula. This dam will serve as a giant containment of the Gulf of Oil so that the black gold will not seep into the rest of the world's oceans.

Step Three: Once the dam is built sealing off the Gulf, we must turn to sophisticated equipment used to avert great disaster during Hurricane Katrina: water pumps. Oh shit, that's right they didn't work so well, but eventually the water was all pumped out of New Orleans. So let's take these pumps and drain the entire Gulf. Where would we put the billions of gallons of water? Hmm, I say we irrigate Utah. The damn place is a desert and if we allowed the Mormons to marry multiple wives again, I'm sure they'd let us pollute their desert with the Gulf filth as a fair trade.

Step Three: Now that the Gulf is completely empty, except for the oil gushing out, we do what the Republicans know how to do best: "Drill baby, drill." Yes, we drill holes everywhere in the empty bottom floor of the Gulf of Oil. So many holes, that the current gusher looks like a leaking water faucet. Once all the oil starts racing out from every part of the Gulf of Oil, we wait.

Step Four: Once the Gulf is refilled with an essentially pure vat of crude, we do what you'd expect, start a grassroots movement to get all the hippies and ex-cons to start bucketing crude from the Gulf of Oil and sell it to the Chinese for plastic goods. Mostly toy army soldiers, Mr. Potato Heads, Buzz-LightYear figurines. Hey, Toy Story 3 is coming out soon and our children need these items to survive.

Now that everyone has oil, toys, and unstoppable gushers, everything will be back to normal and we'll all rejoice that the oil spill has turned into a national treasure.

God Bless Oil.

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